What if……

This is probably my hardest post you write but also one I need to write. Not only for me, but to bring awareness but also to remember our baby.

This week has been tough. Instead of announcing we would be having a new arrival we are having to tell our friends and family that we lost our baby. At 10 and a half weeks pregnant they are no longer with us. And this has been heartbreaking and now we are left with so many what if’s. What would they look like, boy or girl, what would their personality be?

We’ll never know whether they were a boy or a girl but we gave them a name anyway. We named them Robin which could be either and now whenever we see a Robin we’ll know it’s them saying hello.

4 of us were pregnant in our friendship group. And 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. For some reason I always thought it would happen to one of us and for some reason I always thought it would be me. Whether that was God preparing me or not I don’t know. When we went for our scan I knew there would be no heartbeat as the pregnancy hadn’t seemed right. I wasn’t as ill as I was last time and I just had a feeling.

Emotions wise I’m everywhere. Some days numb, other days a wreck but thank God I have Beatrice to cuddle and Ian who has been amazing. They give me something to live for. As for friends and family they have been amazing. Sending food and flowers. Food is very helpful as I have no appetite at all. But even more invaluable they are there to talk and listen. It’s easy when you don’t know what to say to lose touch with someone. But instead of going silent just tell me you don’t know what to say and then just listen and be there. Loss and grief are very lonely experiences and although you can’t know what I’m feeling you can let me know I’m not alone. Simple texts each day just to ask how I am. Thank you to all those who do this. But also it’s okay to talk about our baby. They are not someone/ something to be brushed under a rug. They are my child and I want to remember them. If I get upset just let me cry. Hand me a tissue or hold my hand. Allow me to feel my grief and know that it’s okay but also act normal as I cry. Don’t make a big deal just carry on talking to me. It’s better out than in.

Another very difficult thing is my body still thinks I’m pregnant when I’m not. It will take time to go back to normal and this is a struggle. Along with seeing those around me who were expecting at the same time. I am still so happy for them but at times I will struggle with knowing I would have been through that journey with them. I’m now part of a club I never wanted to join but I know I’m not alone.

I don’t know how I’m keeping going but I am and God has part to play in that. I have never felt closer to him. It was not part of his plan and he cries with me. God does not make life so that it then dies. It is the evil in the world that causes death and I know that he is holding our little baby so tight right now.

Our baby is not a taboo subject and I am not ashamed to share about them. They are a part of my life and this experience is now a part of me that makes me who I am. Our baby is very much loved and we will never forget them, so please don’t forget them either.