With everything that has been going on I don’t know how I’d have managed without Beatrice. Yes, it’s exhausting trying to grieve, physically go through a miscarriage and look after a toddler and I don’t always get it right but she gives me a distraction.
I’ve been so numb and on the outside probably look really well and not grief stricken at all. I can only put this down to not having any time to dwell on my grief as my 16 month old daughter needs me. She’s been very needy recently and I’m sure she’s playing off my emotions. Luckily she has moments of pure sunshine that have brought a joy to my life when it’s clouded in fog.
Here are some of the things that have made me smile and I hope they do for you too:
1) when we try the count to 3 method of parenting she just counts along with us which is super cute and very clever for her age, although not effective in any way.
2) we taught her to sign please to try and stop her screaming and it’s worked but she now signs and says it all the time when we don’t even know what she wants. We’ll have to work on some new signs.
3) she has learnt to say badger. This is due to a wind in the willows toy at my parents and my dad was teaching her the names of the characters except badger is the only one she got.
4) she’s starting to learn to say the names of her 2 best friends, Annabel and Miriam. Except Miriam comes out as minion (I may have a love of minions and she’s just decided they sound the same).
5) we’re all about the dogs and when she sees them in park she runs at them with her arms open yelling doggie (yes she’s mine), and when they ignore her and walk off she shouts ‘no’ after them.
6) she loves to sing and dance so we often crank up the music and have a crazy dance and sing along.
7) and finally she has taken to trying to sit in her dolls pushchair to read books but this quite often ends in a stuck bottom and a lot of screaming.
These are things that help get me through at the minute. I hold her that extra bit tighter and keep them in my mind when the long and exhausting evenings and nights come along. Grief is so individual. I might be okay on the outside but really it’s only the toddler I love like crazy that is holding me together.
Be kind to yourself. Be selfish. Rest. Find joy in the small things and hold on to whatever you can to get you through. (Even if it may be binge watching friends).