Grief

Grief has been a very private thing for me. I don’t want to make people feel awkward or uncomfortable so I keep it inside. The only problem then is people assume I’m okay when I’m not and to the world I look like I’m carrying on fine. And until recently I’d actually been managing to keep up with the world but then as grief does it came crashing back over me in a wave.

The smallest things set me off like seeing my friends baby bumps (they’re due when I would have been) or hearing about my pregnant friends being kept awake by baby kicks. Now don’t get me wrong I’m so happy for my friends and I don’t want them to have to sensor themselves when around me and I know being kept up by a kicking baby when you’re tired and have a toddler is exhausting; but it also kills me to think I would have been feeling my baby kicking by now and I would do anything to be kept up by that.

It’s the small mundane and at the time annoying things that hit me hardest. All the things I’ll never get to experience with them. This poem sums it up.

‘I will never’ – Clark-Coates/Fosberry

I will never get to hold your hand through a storm

I will never get to wipe your sticky fingers

I will never get to teach you to tie your shoelaces

I will never get to know who your best friend would have been

I will never get to see you fall in love

I will never get to hear you tell me ‘I am going to be a grandparent ‘

But always know…..

I will never be too proud to ask for help

I will never be too scared to say this hurts

I will never be too frightened to declare you matter

And I will never forget you

I will never stop saying your name

I will never stop loving you

I will never stop remembering the sound of this bell, rung in memory of you.

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What is going on?!

It’s easy to feel overwhelmed at the minute with the news. I dread turning it on each day. So much death and destruction. Manchester and London attacks. Bombings in Tehran and yet more civilian deaths in Syrian fighting. Then add to that the awful fire in the flats in London. The pain I feel for the things these people are going through is nowhere near the pain they are experiencing. I can’t imagine what they are going through. 

It scares me to think that this is the world my child will live in and there is nothing I can do. I turn to God and ask why. I pray that things will get better. One positive is seeing how communities pull together at times like this. It really does bring out the best in people. But one thing gets to me. Where are the social media cries for solidarity with those in the middle east suffering war and persecution?  Where are there crowdfunding campaigns and hashtags? Where is the news updates about that? 

At times like this I hold on to my little girl just that bit tighter.  I try to busy myself so I can’t hear the constant thoughts of what these people must be feeling and their pain. I try to enjoy the small things be it my daughters laugh, smile, hugs, even her tantrums and teaching her that soil isn’t for eating.