Grief has been a very private thing for me. I don’t want to make people feel awkward or uncomfortable so I keep it inside. The only problem then is people assume I’m okay when I’m not and to the world I look like I’m carrying on fine. And until recently I’d actually been managing to keep up with the world but then as grief does it came crashing back over me in a wave.
The smallest things set me off like seeing my friends baby bumps (they’re due when I would have been) or hearing about my pregnant friends being kept awake by baby kicks. Now don’t get me wrong I’m so happy for my friends and I don’t want them to have to sensor themselves when around me and I know being kept up by a kicking baby when you’re tired and have a toddler is exhausting; but it also kills me to think I would have been feeling my baby kicking by now and I would do anything to be kept up by that.
It’s the small mundane and at the time annoying things that hit me hardest. All the things I’ll never get to experience with them. This poem sums it up.
‘I will never’ – Clark-Coates/Fosberry
I will never get to hold your hand through a storm
I will never get to wipe your sticky fingers
I will never get to teach you to tie your shoelaces
I will never get to know who your best friend would have been
I will never get to see you fall in love
I will never get to hear you tell me ‘I am going to be a grandparent ‘
But always know…..
I will never be too proud to ask for help
I will never be too scared to say this hurts
I will never be too frightened to declare you matter
And I will never forget you
I will never stop saying your name
I will never stop loving you
I will never stop remembering the sound of this bell, rung in memory of you.