I don’t want this blog to become a place for me to mope and be sad with everything that is happening; because who wants to read that but also Robin wouldn’t want that for me. It won’t change what’s happened and it also will benefit no one. Inevitably there will be moments where I am honest with how we are doing because there’s no point writing a blog about family life if I’m not being real about our experiences. I’m sorry if people find it hard to read but it’s definitely a lot harder to live it. We don’t want sympathy just love, support and your amazingly kind words. Luckily we have Beatrice who brings moments of sunshine to our lives at the minute and is one of the things that is keeping us going.
The amazing support from friends, family and even people we’ve don’t know has been amazing. Shared stories of their own losses, a listening ear, food, tears alongside ours and so many little gifts to get us through. Thank you so much to everyone who has supported us. We love you all.
It has been a rollercoaster this last week. I have days of complete numbness when I have nothing left and then I feel guilty for not crying. I have other days of being an emotional wreck and some days I can seem normal but something will just trigger a waterfall. These are all normal parts of grief but that makes it no less difficult.
Beatrice has been a joy to have with us. We hug her that little bit tighter (which only makes her shout at us) and maybe spoil her just a little bit at the moment. She brings sunshine to our lives, she truly is what her name means, ‘bringer of joy’. But my ability to deal with her bad moments has diminished. She loves to just shout at the minute and scream and not only is it headache inducing but I find myself begging her to stop without fully engaging with her. She’s probably playing off our emotions but when you know she can say please and show you what she wants it is difficult to manage. I feel bad but I know it’s a phase and she’ll have us back fully engaged as we work through this difficult time.
She brought much laughter yesterday when Ian decided to use the count to 3 parenting method. It had no effect on her speed of descending the stairs whatsoever (she was too busy chatting, yes she’s like me) but it did result in her counting to 3 with Ian. Which I’m sure would infuriate an angry parent but was the cutest thing I’ve heard. You can’t help but have that melt your heart. It definitely makes up for the tantrums. I look forward to many more moments like that.