Inconsolable

These last few days have seen my beautiful and happy little girl turn into a screaming banshee at night (and sometimes the day when tired). Her screams are those of someone who is in such distress it is heartbreaking to hear. We’re on our 3rd night now of this and yet again the husband is out walking her in her pushchair as that’s one of the only ways to get her to sleep at the minute. 

Why is she screaming? There must be some explanation?! Not that we’ve found so far.  She is teething and may be developing an ear infection (seen the GP today) but when away from her room or hey duggee is on she seems to settle. She has been kept topped up on calpol. Maybe I should throw in some ibuprofen as well. But nothing else works. She wants holding but then she screams to be down,  you put her down then she screams to be held, she wants her dummy and then doesn’t want it, she wants a feed but then doesn’t. It’s exhausting and I don’t know why a screaming baby and no sleep isn’t deemed more of a torture technique because it’s breaking me. 

I’m left with so many questions and the worst part is that I can’t help her. I don’t know what she wants,  I don’t know what’s wrong, all I know is her cries hurt me as well as her and I really hope this phases passes soon. 

On the up

Well my last post had me in a blue moment but I’m definitely feeling more upbeat and with a gorgeous sleeping baby on me how could I be sad!  (Putting Beatrice down for a nap).

A little bit of self care, a supportive husband and some much needed sleep have helped to boost my mood.  Gone is the feeling of nothing to look forward to. We’ve got a weekend away with our church group this week and although I’m loving being back at work I only have 3 shifts left! 

But along with these things recognising when I should say no has helped.  And even though Beatrice now has one long lunch/ afternoon nap which does get in the way at times,  her wellbeing is the most important thing.  This is hard when it means missing seeing friends but luckily mine either have kids or are super understanding. Life with a child is unpredictable but nap time is a blessing. I’ll miss it when it’s gone. But it does allow me the joy of gardening! 

On the garden front things are coming along! I’ve planted my butternut squash, tomatoes and peppers. I can’t wait to finally harvest them!

I also can’t wait to have Beatrice grow to be my little garden helper. Unfortunately the only help she could offer when I was repotting was to eat soil which she genuinely enjoyed! Which is a little sore spot when she won’t eat my cooking! 

What no one tells you about being a parent

Before having Beatrice I thought I had a pretty good idea what being a parent would be like.  I’m a neonatal nurse (look after premature babies) and I have friends with children. Now cue the knowing look from parents that as a childless person I found patronising. But truly I had no clue. 

Now I could sprout off a whole list of things like: lack of sleep (I know everyone says it), no time to myself, always having a mini me attached, not being able to eat hot food or have a drink, but the biggest thing for me has been the amount of love I have for my baby and the pain and fear that comes with it.

I feel like the hulk at times being a mum. The feeling that I would do anything to keep my baby safe really surprised me with it’s strength. I feel like I could do anything. Being away from her causes me physical pain and even though I’m desperate for time to myself the minute I’ve left her I’m desperate to be back with her. And when she’s upset or in pain I can’t be bear it. And as a trained children’s nurse the sight of my daughter projectile vomiting broke me completely. Suddenly all my training had amounted to nothing as every little thing in my mind is the end of the world. It takes my wonderful husbands patience and kindness to try to get me thinking rationally. His most common question is “if this were your patient’s parent what would you tell them?” He is truly amazing.

And those charity adverts that show poorly or malnourished children who are living in poverty. Oh my goodness!  My heart aches for their parents and them.  For their parents because I can only imagine the distress at seeing your child like that. Which is probably why I’m now a sucker for those adverts. Sorry Ian (the husband). 

Luckily knowing that Beatrice is happy in childcare and doesn’t scream when I leave her has helped and by gradually increasing the amount I’m away from her has helped. And after being back at work on Monday I can say the distraction of my job allowed me to ignore the missing her part of me. Now I just need to work on my sadness for the day that she won’t want breastfeeding anymore or when she goes to school,  but I’ll leave them for now and focus on the moments I have with her now. Every single one is precious.