So this is a blog post I’ve thought about doing many a time but it’s a difficult topic for probably not just me but others. But I’ve finally figured it out in my head (I think). It is the topic of birth (don’t worry NO gory details).
I’ve recently been reading Giovanna Fletcher’s book, Happy mum, Happy baby. It’s a brilliant book and very honest but it brought back to me the feelings of failure I felt with my birth. She doesn’t condemn or say her way is right but her experience is the one I wanted.
Everywhere you look as a pregnant woman there are articles and information about how to have the best natural birth you can and I was adamant I wanted to do it all drug free and in a water birthing pool. And quite often mum’s who do otherwise are seen as second best. But why should going through such pain alone with no help be seen as something of a right of passage?! I didn’t want to write a birth plan as I knew they rarely went to plan (for the ones I attend don’t), but my midwife talked me into it, which is good because it keeps everyone on the same page.
Being me, of course things didn’t go to plan. I was overdue and although everything started naturally I needed monitoring so wasn’t as mobile as I wanted or allowed in the birthing pool. Next followed the hormone drip to speed things up and after about 8 hours on it with gas and air I gave in and begged for an epidural. Yet more followed with her getting stuck, a failed attempt at turning her with forceps and an emergency section during which I haemorrhaged 3.5 litres of blood and required a general anaesthetic. And even still after that I got an infection. Now although at the time it was awful looking back on it I can say it was all worth it for my daughter.
Now my issue isn’t with all the problems I encountered, it’s my feeling of failure that I couldn’t do it naturally and that other mother’s will think I didn’t give birth properly because I ended up with the sun roof option. And only after watching a natural delivery on tv did I fully mourn the loss of the delivery I had dreamed of. I’m coming to terms with it and at times am thankful my downstairs will not have to be destroyed like some I have seen, but sometimes it does hit me the sense of loss and my own brain telling me I’m not a proper woman for having a c-section. At times likes this I must remember if it weren’t for the c-section Beatrice and I would probably have died and am just thankful we are both well and safe.
I don’t know if I’m alone in my feelings of failure at times but those who have a section thrust on them are a tough breed. We must let go of the dreams we had for our delivery and in a few minutes notice come to terms with a traumatic experience and put our babies life before our dreams. I’m not saying mum’s who do it all naturally aren’t amazing, because they are!!!! But maybe as women we should just give ourselves a break. Having a baby puts your body through a lot whichever way you do it and it’s amazing. YOU HAVE MADE AND GROWN A HUMAN! Let’s forget how they arrive and just rejoice they are safe. (Hopefully I can take my own advice).